Monday, January 01, 2007

2007 is the new 2006

Happy New Year everyone. I tried to text some of you when the midnight hour came around, however all the local mobile networks told my roaming phone to sod off, so those of you that did receive a text didn’t get it until about 7am my time.

On Saturday Phil, mum and I went to Brisbane for the weekend. We had to leave Phil 2 behind on the Sunshine Coast - he has been diagnosed with Glandular Fever, bacterial Tonsillitis, a full body rash, and an ear infection, all at once. He’s been sleeping most of the past ten days. If his ear infection doesn’t clear up in the next three days he won’t be able to fly home. Lucky bugger. Still, he’s starting to look a little brighter. Using a very handy website called wotif.com the three of us managed to book ourselves into the posh 5 star Stamford Plaza hotel on the river for a fifth of the usual price. We’d managed to get the most expensive rooms that weren’t in a suite for next to nothing. So what made it posh? Was it the panoramic view from my 21st floor bedroom window? The in room DVD player? The Italian marble bathroom? The doorbell for the room? No my friend. It was the three telephones in my room. One of which was next to the toilet. I was sorely tempted to order room service whilst making space for it at the same time (it’s an efficiency thing), until I noticed how much room service cost. After I’d managed to avoid swallowing my tongue in shock I put the receiver down and walked away.


View from my room


More view from my room

We took a river cat to South Bank to have a ganders at a part of Brisbane I’ve never seen before. It’s got the upcoming trendiness of Southbank in London, except the renovation work is pretty much complete. There’s even a small ‘Streets’ (the Aussie version of Walls Ice Cream) ‘beach’ complete with lifesavers. The water is chlorinated and in a closed loop so it’s not really a true beach. Beachette would be a better word, though the Oxford English would probably beg to differ. I couldn’t quite understand why there were lifeguards there either; do many people drown when standing in waist high water? Whilst Southbank is all impressive modern buildings and trendy City living, South Bank is all about getting away from the crush of the City high risers and getting into the crush of a tiny chlorinated ‘beach’ with approximately fifteen billion tourists.

Whilst we were waiting for the next river cat back to the City, we were minding our own business when we heard what sounded like a pair of rubber wellies being dropped ten metres onto tarmac. Closer inspection (well, I say closer, it was more like ‘a safe distance of about 3 barge poles’), revealed the sound to have come from a two foot possum at (plus two foot tail) falling ten metres onto tarmac and narrowly avoiding hitting a group of (now rather startled) Chinese tourists. Think of it as a two foot orange rat with the face of a cat and you’ll be on the right track. Nobody screamed or anything. At least, not on the outside. But you could tell from the expression some people were wearing that they were trying desperately not to freak out and run away.



South Bank (site of Possum incident)


A MAN-SIZED disco ball at South Bank

In the evening we went to the Treasury Casino and then for a meal at a Teppanyaki restaurant called Kabuki. It was much fun and I ate so much that I nearly died (comparable to a Tom-sized starter). Three groups of people share a table that has a big hot plate in the middle and the chef cooks in front of you whilst throwing things in the air and making you catch eggs in bowls (that end up all over you). We were sat with a NZ couple and an Aussie family of three from the ‘look how much money we have but our lives are empty and we hate each other’ school of thinking. Halfway through the meal our chef was chopping the now cooked egg (that we’d each caught raw with varying success) for the rice with some theatrics, and when he got to the end he chipped a bit off that went sailing towards the rich mum of the family. She threw what is technically referred to as a ‘hissy fit’ in the business, and demanded that the chef walk away from the table. Obviously he wasn’t going anywhere since he still had seven other people to cook for so she just got all angry and walked out herself. Her husband didn’t bother following and after ten minutes she came back in, had a minor tantrum, ordered her husband and daughter to leave with her, and promptly started an argument with her husband outside the restaurant. They dragged the manager out and everything. The remaining diners (myself included) exchanged relieved smiles, stopped studying our bowls of rice with fevered concentration, and found our attention split between the chef’s acrobatics and the fight going on outside. Best dinner entertainment ever.

In the restaurant they had a cabinet containing the chopsticks of celebrities who had dined at the restaurant too. In that case was a set of chopsticks for the Black Eyed Peas. Apparently they only need one set between them.

Back to Buderim.

For those of you who are interested, extensive research by myself today has found that the album ‘9’ by Damien Rice is the best album to burn to whilst sunbathing. I’ll forever associate the line ‘Tell ‘em I’ve been cooking coconut skins, and we’ve been hanging out’ with third degree sunburn. It doesn’t help that my after sun lotion is coconut scented.

New Year’s Eve was pretty much a non-event/endurance task this year. We spent NYE in the house playing card games and watching bloody awful films on TCM. It had a certain element of family time cringeworthiness to it, but it was nice. Midnight came; we each downed a glass of champagne, and went to bed.

Here’s to our best year yet.


The Aussie take on Christmas window displays

Thursday, December 28, 2006

CSI: Buderim

I learnt an important lesson about chopping boards on Christmas day to the detriment of my taste buds. More about that later.

Meanwhile, I made my 23rd CD purchase today. It’s my first 100% bona-fide skiphop CD. Skiphop? Yea, I was just as bemused. From what I’ve been able to determine it’s basically just hiphop from Australia, which apparently warrants it a whole separate section in the record store. It’s a fun, if tacky, moniker for the genre, and I’m assuming it’s got a light-hearted name since nobody can take a rapper with an Australian accent seriously. Especially when he’s spouting such corkers as ‘We ain’t sic, boy we just seem crook’ and ‘You’re best to believe in the Muph!’ (rock out mister Tom – you hear me!). I parted with my $25 at JB HiFi and came away clutching ‘Hunger Pains’ by Muph and Plutonic. I’d finally lost my skiphop virginity.

The cats have been treating us to a selection of local wildlife over the past few days, most notably the HUGE TARANTULA that turned up on Christmas Eve. Granted it’s not the largest I’ve seen in Australia, not by a long shot. But this one was IN MY HOUSE. Well, on the window. Forensic evidence suggests the following events led to the discovery of the spider: At some time between 4am (when the cats get let out of the house) and 8am (when the cats come in for food) one of them spotted the victim and initiated some kind of chase/battle during which the victim suffered the loss of three legs. This has been backed up by the lack of amputated legs visible around the crime scene. Cat X then brought the victim to the house, deposited it somewhere, and got bored. The victim managed to evade cat X and scampered up a wall and hid behind the massive thermometer that leans against the window. At approx 8.30am my mother discovered the victim. Apart from the amputated legs, the victim appeared to be of good health, and after a photo shoot for the records (from a very cautious distance, since these buggers can *move* when they want to) it was deposited into the forestland behind the house, and a swift retreat was made. Christ, I’ve managed to spin that out a bit. Here’s a shot of the beast. For reference purposes, that thermometer is about 8 inches long.


Exhibit A - the victim


Exhibit B - a suspect

So the chopping board lesson:

When you’re chopping the kiwifruit for a fruit pavlova, ensure you use a different side of the chopping board to the one that you’d used to chop the onions on the night before. That way, when you’re serving up your delicious desert on Christmas day, you don’t realise with abject horror when you take a bite along with the other family and friends that you’ve just dished up a strawberry, kiwi, onion and fresh cream pavlova for desert. The perfect way to round off Christmas dinner. Pass the gravy.


Some fungus


Some shoes

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Well it wouldn’t be a holiday without a trip to the doctors

So, not to disappoint, I managed to mess up my foot somehow when I was in Sydney and now I’ve been advised to stay off it for the next three days, meaning I’m going to have to convince some other poor unsuspecting soul to take care of my Christmas shopping for me. (This is the part where I lean back and cackle menacingly). So it looks like Phil and Phil will be heading off to Sunshine Plaza on my behalf, armed with sufficiently vague advice as ‘get so-and-so something they’ll like’. Specifics are so last year.

And Phil I has Tonsillitis.

On the wedding...
Mamie got married to Les last week, and since Phil (brother) and I were giving her away we all flew down south for a long weekend. The ceremony was held in the garden and luckily it was a cloudy day so the temperature was comfortable enough to wear long sleeved shirts. The guy who performed the ceremony must’ve been, oh, about 600, and wore the thickest pair of glasses I’ve ever seen. It’s a good job the sun wasn’t out – he’d have had his eyes burnt away. It would have been like using a magnifying glass on ants.
The ceremony itself was beautiful and went without a hitch. I must admit I got a little teary eyed at a couple of points, but managed to cover that up with the camera!


Mamie


Mamie and Les

On the new relatives...
The crazy thing that happens when your grandmother gets married is that your family tree suddenly explodes. As soon as their signatures hit the paper you’re instantly related to everyone at the ceremony. Before that, you’re only related to about 10%. So it’s even more embarrassing when one of them has too much to drink. Sure, they can make a fool of themselves *before* they’re related to you, but not after. Here’s a running tally of new relatives I know of:

1x step grandfather
2x step uncles (one pending)
3x step aunts
6x step cousins

There are probably more that I don’t even know exist. I know I haven’t met one or two of my new step cousins yet...

Here are some of my step cousins: Alana and her brother Alec, and Bronwyn and her sister Karyn.


Alec


Alana and Bronwyn


Karyn

Turns out that Bronwyn will be moving to London in mid January, so we’ve swapped numbers in case we fancy grabbing a coffee sometime.

On charades...
After the food (of which there was masses), some fool suggested we play charades. To be fair, that’s a hell of a lot more entertaining than listening to Les explain how to do something, which is what usually happens whenever there’s a gap in conversation. But charades is still rubbish. Unless you’ve got a camera, at which point it becomes a whole lot more interesting. When else can you get candid shots of people pulling silly poses/faces? I must admit I did a little evil purr. I’m even looking forward to the inevitable charades at Christmas. I’m so gonna burn for this.


Phil (brother)


Phil (not brother)


Malcolm


Les (new step grandfather)


Theona (new step aunt)

On Christmas lights...
And we thought it was bad in Blackbird Lees. The Australians appear to take Christmas lights very seriously indeed. In fact, just yesterday my mum had to help one of our neighbours down from his roof after he became stranded putting his lights up. You should be able to see it from space now. Below are a few camera-shake stricken snaps from the streets surrounding Mamie’s house (and yes, that *is* Santa coming out of the blowhole of a whale):





On the Sunday Mum and Malcolm headed back to the Sunshine Coast, and back to the hot weather. It was raining when we arrived in Sydney and was unseasonably chilly but things were slowly starting to pick up. The two Phils and I had booked a couple of days in a hotel in Sydney to give us chance to have a good look around. We went to the Australian Museum on the Tuesday and had a good look around. TWO ENTIRE FLOORS were devoted to geology. Which is probably pretty interesting if, like my brother, you’re studying it at uni. But for the other Phil and I it wasn’t the most entertaining part of the whole experience. The bones exhibition was pretty cool though. Especially the ‘Bone Ranger’:


Bone Ranger

They also had two photographic competition exhibitions on; the ‘Wildlife Photographer of the Year’ and ‘Up Close and Spineless’, a competition of photographs of invertebrates. I’d advise you to check out the Wildlife Photographer of the Year, there are some awesome shots in there, especially one of penguins having a slapping fight.

On brand names...
"BAM! And the dirt is gone!"

What’s going on there? Where’s Barry Scott? I’ll be having words.

It’s getting hotter. And hotter. And Phil and Phil are getting more and more burnt.

Oh, and I’ve just found out that my mate George staged a walk out at her work the other day after an arsey email from a director. How cool is that?! It might be giving me ideas...

Thanks for all your emails chaps, they’ve been making me chuckle every now and then. Nice to know that you’re all starting to unwind for Christmas. Must admit I got a pang of homesickness yesterday after watching some holiday special where it was all cold and snowy and Christmassy. This just doesn’t feel like Christmas. It was only yesterday I realised we didn’t even have a tree up. Things like that just don’t cross your mind when it’s in the thirties and takes a lot of effort to keep cool. So keep the emails and texts coming, especially as I’m gonna be housebound for the next three days!

And if I don’t say it before the day itself, have a happy Christmas everyone!